Dusty Miller and Son, Harry Potter: A History of Magic

Obviously, I have not drawn any Real TV Wisdom for ages. But last night I was watching the BBC program to promote the British Library Harry Potter exhibition, because how can you not want to support that British cultural circle jerk? And these two gentleman just came out with the most wise and true statement about trees. And how could I not draw them? Miller senior has A TOP KNOT. IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOT A CLOUD THAT LIVES ON HIS HEAD. Also their actual job in the real world is they make magic wands when the forest spirits tell them to. 

 Seriously you should watch it. It's on iplayer. 

Geordie Shore Season 2 Special

I watched this one episode of Geordie Shore from ages ago. It's one of the ones that's free if you have Amazon Prime. The new ones are not free. But I think the format is broadly the same as it was in 2012. I was moved to stop and draw during the episode, not once, twice, but in fact four times. So consider this a special. Firstly two drawings of Charlotte Crosby, who is actual linguistic genius. If she has not already been contracted to write children's books she should be. I would buy them. And I don't even have children. She does have her own TV show now though, so I'm glad someone recognised her potential. Here is a video of her having a spiritual and emotional experience meeting an Elephant. I might actually have to draw that as well later. I love her.

She does seem to have an uncanny skill at doing the opposite of what she says she's going to though. Don't know what happened to the metaphorical independent shop women, but then I haven't watched much of the other 10 seasons. Maybe they have expanded and now run a franchise empire. Banking is mostly done online now anyway. I don't know who Crosby has trusted her winnings from 2013 Celebrity Big Brother to, or do they have to give it to charity? 

 I'm more worried about my own safety if I ever visit Newcastle again. Last time the tan police must not have spotted me, but that may have been helped by the fact I was see through. Holly Hagan may also have distracted them with her actual real life Ariel from the Little Mermaid hair. Unless she is actually Ariel from the little mermaid, having earned her legs by seducing scousers. In which case I think we can safely say she has got a voice this time. 

Although the women are the most interesting people on Geordie Shore, the men do sometimes have some canny wisdom to share too. Gaz's cunning ruse of inviting a girl back to the love shed, but only for spooning and cuddles, did indeed pay off and he was able to complete his cutlery collection.

Drama ensued. For another 10 seasons. 

Ru Paul's Drag Race

So I'm on holiday and I have a Netflix account active. I usually only do this for one month at a time. Because I have a dangerous tendency towards television addiction. I'm a narrative junky. Which does not actually help with the Real TV Wisdom project, because I specifically set myself the rules that the quotes I draw have to be unscripted. And the shows I am most susceptible to binging on are very much scripted. So until I begin the sister project, drawings of my favourite lines from Buffy and Gilmore Girls (Ellie Cryer may have already begun this project), Netflix is not the friend of my practice. Unless you count watching the whole of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt while I paint watercolour portraits. Which I actually do. 

Anyway that whole preamble was my excuse for drawing from an old-as Ru Paul episode. It's the first one on Netflix. And what are time and space in these new days of on demand entertainment. Have you seen how long songs stay in the charts now? I love the inherent contradictory focus on supportiveness and bitchiness in this program, and I guess in drag culture, embodied here by the host's literal two faces. Its all like always be yourself and follow your dream you beautiful rainbow, unless you do something I don't like in which case you can f off and die. I also really enjoyed the crafting element of this episode (Gone with the Window) where the competing queens had to make outfits out of curtains (a reference to Scarlet O'Hara doing the same in the eponymous film, respect the pun), which shows a higher level of skill and creativity than ANTM, IMHO. 

Young, Welsh and Pretty SKint

When I see TV programs about cultural bubbles within the country I live in (The Kingdom of United, or Britain the Great, and every-time there's a box on a form you're not sure which of those you should write, or is that just my struggle?) where people have really specific standards of beauty, it makes me question my beliefs in period fashion acquired from a book on fashion through time that I used to photocopy the black and white illustrations from when I was a child to use as colouring pages. Yes that's right, we made our own fun. Maybe if people in Essex and Wales are painting themselves orange, not every woman in the mid to late nineteenth century wore a bustle, and maybe not every woman in the sixties had a Mary Quant dress.

Which is to say, obviously that's not a thing. Not all young people in Wales are in the one single sub culture, and there are people in many places that value a good hair extension and well toned bicep, without crucially also talking funny. 

Jayde Lee here, second runner up for Swansea in the 2012 Miss Universe Wales pageant and wise hairtrepreneur, offers luscious long hair for sale or rent to enable local beauty enthusiasts to fulfil their life plans. But she doesn't trust men with beards. 

You can catch Young, Welsh and Pretty Skint on Iplayer unless you're reading this from far enough in the future that you can't any more.

Teenage Millionaire: The Year I won the Lottery

This Teenage Millionaire doc was on BBC One back in December, but they showed it again on BBC Three this week. Jane Park is the subject and is, let's be honest, a bit of a legend. 

Having won a million on the lottery at age 17, she basically does not change her life plan or life style much, other than to have no limit on the amount of partying she can do if she wants to. She doesn't like the taste of champagne, and would rather stay in a basic hotel where the food isn't weird and posh. Partying is only fun if you've got a true pal to do it with though, and the old cliché about money not buying them obvs rings true for Jane. She truly is rich if she's got 3 true friends, her nan to point out that money can't buy self respect, and also all the cocktails in Magaluf as an option. 

Oh, and a Louis Vuitton handbag with a dog shit in it. 

I think we'd all like to think that money wouldn't change us much. For me it would be cat vomit on a Burberry trench coat, but different strokes for different folks. 

Just Another Day: Soho 1985 - Ian Board

The history of Vox Pop of course goes back as far as the Latin suggests, this is not so far but it was filmed the year I was born. Which is to say 1985. On the BBC Four London Collection, this episode of Just Another Day focuses on the ever evolving face of Soho, doing that charming BBC thing of just trying to capture the everyday and the extraordinary side by side as they do exist. Ian Board was owner of the infamous Colony Room a Soho institution and members bar for artists and outsiders which sadly closed in 2008. Quite a lot of the episode is older Soho residents reminiscing about how they miss the lovely friendly whores they used to know round there when they were young and I loved how Board indulgently cuts through the crap with this line at the end.

How deliciously nostalgically cyclical and unlikely, to sit in 2015 watching an old lush from 1985 reminisce about fraternising with ''some of the richest and most famous and successful people...a lot of homosexuals as they were known in those days" some 40 years before that. And if you google Ian Board this video clip is the first thing that comes up - a fragment in the internet ether.

Think how much footage of Soho must have been taken on smart phones in the last few days (Pride 2015) and let your mind boggle at the enlarged world of data we live in. It definitely isn't what it used to be, but I don't know that the technology we have today will give us any more insight into what it actually is, when we come to look back in 40 years ourselves.

Good Vs Evil

So Sky2's The Secret Life of Suburbia is my new favourite thing. You can't go wrong with exploiting mildly eccentric friendly people. The episode I happened on this morning was focused on various mildly unusual British holiday experiences, such as a creepily naff self help house where you have to bounce on a mini trampoline and shout affirmations (for £300), some surprisingly well endowed middle aged nudists and a group of really lovely seeming Live Action Roleplay enthusiasts, or 'Summer Knights' as the show dubbed them. I particularly liked Erol Kentli's perspective on the whole thing:

In full: "It's almost always good against evil, the forces of evil out to do something nasty, as they do, world domination that sort of thing."

Oh Erol how right you are, our fragile human brains are always seeking to cast our world into black and white (or entirely white as the cast of The Secret Life of Suburbia seems to be). It is the eternal battle we must fight. The struggle writ large in our communal mythic hind brain that makes classical narrative so satisfying. Whatever pretensions of complexity and subtlety we have, it almost always comes back to good guys and bad guys. 

 If only the forces of evil were easier to spot in real life, all of these heroes in waiting in plumbing, retail and games design could rise and vanquish them for us. 

Li Jin Mae - BBC2 - The Mekong River with Sue Perkins

I hesitate to spell this brilliant ladies name because it was only said aloud on the program, but I think it might be Li Jin Mae. She is an Aini woman in China trying to keep the traditions of her people alive in the midst of a rapidly changing culture that pursues the new and modern. I like how she doesn't completely vilify technological advances, they're kind of ok you know? There's pros and cons. It's the way we live now and it's moving so fast we don't always have time to get used to the changes or to sit down and work out what is worth preserving of the old ways of doing things, and what is fine to throw out with the bathwater. Or Mekong River water in this case. 

I like Sue Perkins as a travalogueer, and I enjoy how tall she looks in China and how polite and jovial she is, like a young Steven Fry. I do miss her presence on the the Comic Relief Bake Off though. 

Katy Brand on Pop's Greatest Dance Crazes

So I was just watching an old talking heads dance program on iPlayer which was recommended to me after I ran out of new episodes of The Voice to watch (sad times) while I drew this castle or something for this women who is paying me. 

And I really wanted to draw this quote from Katy Brand, perhaps I should have drawn her in full on Beyonce gear, because they played the clip from when she did the Single Ladies dance for Sports Relief, do you remember that? I'm not sure why I do but I do. 

I love this quote because it reminds us of how truly democratic artistic expression is, that ANYONE can do amazing things. All they need is time and impetus and, presumably in this case, first rate tuition. Dance is almost up there with poetry as the most accessible of artforms, some people are naturally talented at moving their hips or turning a phrase, or were lucky to grow up in an environment that encouraged them to shake their booty from a tender age, or read the Nation's Favuorite Poems. But even people that are really not talented or lucky can still do these things. 

I mean, Katy Brand was really good at the Beyonce dance. So maybe she is talented and lucky. But her charmingly British self effacing talking head bit suggests not. So there's still hope for you!

Food Junkies - Kerryann Dunlop

London Live is my new favourite channel. It shows lots of Spaced, and also lots of shows where random people from London hang out and talk about stuff and explore the capital. Also because I met some of the stars of Drag Queens of London the other week and they were very nice, although I haven't actually watched it yet but I'm sure when I do it will appear here. Anyway.

Food Junkies is a nice fast cut, fast talking food and drink show about, you've guessed it, London. Kerryann is an down to earth gunner and sometimes she wishes Arsene Wenger was her dad. She was on one of those Jamie Oliver kitchen programs or something, and now she has a youtube celebrityship. Actually, the whole thing that I saw on TV this morning seems to be already on her channel here. She was rustling up some very tasty looking fried chicken ('the Colonel don't have nothing on me') when she came out with this nugget. And it's worth remembering, because just cos it's unpretentious and delicious, doesn't mean your humble grub has to be also f*cking ugly. Put it in a little pile on a board and sprinkle over some spring onions and lime you lazy reverse snobs.

Match of the Day Live - Danny Murphy on England v. Italy

It's the World Cup!

Excitement all around and lots of not boring football has happened so far with several unpredictable results. This is on account of the game of football (soccer) is a very much not very predictable game isn't it though? I think Danny Murphy put it perfectly in the post England v. Italy analysis:

SOMETIMES when you're bold and courageous and try and win football matches, you can lose them too. I am not an expert in sports. But I do know that the best laid plans of mice and Wayne Rooney aft gang a not in the net. We is only human. Also after watching this particular match I did learn that SOMETIMES when you're naive and trusting and you try and get night buses home from south London when TFL have said there will be extra ones because of the England football, you can wait for a really long time on King William Street at 2.30 in the morning.

Woo football.

BAFTA special - Helen Mirren

I've never understood where the T comes from in BAFTA. I could google it now couldn't I? Ah right it is from the British Academy of Film and Television Arts. Which I guess means it exists as an institution for the other 364 days of the year when Stephen Fry isn't being blown kisses by Leonardo DiCaprio. 

But obviously it's the awards we care about. Dame Helen Mirren got a fellowship award. Which is not meant in the way that the hippie cult youth organisation I attended as a child meant it. It just means she's like, really good, and really famous, and has been for a while now. 

She took the opportunity to talk about how great teachers are. Which is of course a very important point. She asked the audience of successful performers how many of them had a teacher who believed in them and inspired them to pursue their dreams. Everyone raised their hands of course. Because when teachers are awesome it makes a difference. But more it made me think about how all famous people (except creepy child stars and royalty) were once on the other end of that, just students with a creative bent that needed encouragement and inspiration. One among hundreds or thousands passing through a school, a course, a classroom, being encouraged and inspired. 

Christmas in a Day

Have you seen the feature length Sainsbury's ad, christmas home video compilation that is Christmas in a Day?

You really should. It's on the youtube for free. It's, you know, totes emosh, and also witty and sarcastic and genuine and all the Christmassy.

I like the woman obsessed with her geese and the woman tweeting Simon Cowell at 1.30am in Christmas morning, obviously the girl who got the Barbie Graveyard, the woman who likes to edit boxing videos as a hobby, all the drunken carol singing, all the petty arguments.

I drew two of my favourite momentquotes for you:

As well as the girl crying because she thinks she's too naughty for a stocking and the girl who wants all her presents to be ipads, this girl's saddest of sad faces when she thinks she's not getting the Camera she wants for Christmas, but trying to be philosophical about it and see the true meaning of the season is so classic. Because this film if anything really shows that she's right, in both senses. It is all about the presents, and all the other things too. 

This gentleman doesn't even need any spiel to tell you how awesome he his, just look at him. 

Launching Real TV Wisdom Shop

So I know you have all been wondering how you could possibly acquire some Real TV Wisdom drawings for yourselves. 

Wonder Nenceforth.

For I have put some in an Etsy Shop. 

Not only can you order a print of ANY Real TV Wisdom drawing you like for an exclusive holiday rateness of only £8, you can also BUY original drawings, COMMISSION your own, and OF COURSE, buy Real TV Wisdom Christmas cards.

 

Christmas Card designs grand reveal

This is a special post, and some special Real TV Wisdom drawings. I've been scouring the land of digitally available video material on the theme of culinary Christmas for the past few weeks trying to find my favourite celebrity chef christmas soundbites (and expressions). The results are the below Christmas card designs which I will be sending out to a special list of people, and will also selling a limited number of packs in the soon to be launcehd REal TV Wisdom Shop. Exciting times isn't it?

If you think you should be one of the select people (you might be already) or if you're interested in buying a pack, feel free to pop me a comment, or an email, or shout really really loud (I might hear you).

Quote from Heston's Christmas Feast, originally aired 18.12.2009 on Channel 4. I really hope Heston does another one of these this year, where a group of celebrities sit in a souped up grotto and make soundbites about the magic of Christmas whilst intercut with scientific experiments and visits to the middle east. 

 From Jamie's Best Ever Christmas, aired 20.12.10 again on Channel 4. Poor Jamie, knowing that his best Christmas and best gravy are forever behind him now.

This is from Nigel Slater's 12 Tastes of Christmas from last year 14.12.12 on BBC One. It took me forever to draw that Christmas Jumper! I love Nigel, love his expressions and his suppers, although I do get him confused with that other posh one with the garden. 

From a way back, this is Nigella Express Season's Eatings 10.12.2007. I watched a LOT of Nigella Christmas clips, but this just summed it up for me, I'd like a little Nigella Christmas Fairy to say calming things, and innuendos to bring peace and tranquility to the holiday season. She's a bit like Attenborough to me, just a very calming televisual presence. I have to say I drew this and sent to the printers before the recent media interest in Nigella's personal life, which may give a somewhat different reading of the meaning of this card. To which I echo Nigella's no comment.

Looking forward to this years Seasonal Cookery Programming. 

Football special: Cristiano Ronaldo

The field of sport is ripe for the plundering for wisdom. Who could know more about hard work and the price of success than people that are paid ridiculous amounts of money so they can focus on nothing else? And Ronaldo's analysis could apply to so many undertakings - whether the Great British Bake Off tent (come on Ruby), the classroom (come on year 11), or of course the football pitch. Unless you have the bravery to push yourself and take risks to expand your knowledge, you will never develop the skills you need to succeed. Courage is not a guarantee of a multi million paycheck of course. 

Kimberley

I almost didn't sketch this piece of Real TV Wisdom, for starters, the GBBO editors are OBSESSED with this soundbite, cos, you know, it sounds a bit rude, and Kimberley looks all sparkly and happy when she says it. So I already saw it two weeks ago and was actually a bit confused to see it in the actual episode this week. Also, the close up angle means you can't see the top of Kimberley's hair. And she was star baker like Ruby and it's not like a thing that I want to draw the star baker. 

But, obviously, i drew it anyway.  Because, you know, it sounds a bit rude, but is very wise. What truly governs our happiness more than our physical comfort, and satisfactory pie? 

Jeremy Kyle

So this was a best of Jeremy Kyle episode as a taster for the new series starting next week. We'd just seen a lovely couple of kids with a kid battle it out with their 'grandparents at war' from last year. Jeremy's been in touch with Chelsea and Jay recently to see how things had changed since being on the show, they hadn't much. And yes Jeremy it really is a shame. Despite the very best of televisual group therapy and soundbite advice, some people do find it difficult to forget the issues of their past which are periodically broadcast to the nation and move on with their lives. A crying shame.

It's times like this my buddy Timon here says: 'slimy yet satisfying'

Ruby Tandoh

Just as the wedding season is drawing to a close, the Great British Bake Off season is begining! Hooray and Hurrah and Bally Ho or whatever it is us British say at such times. This is a little off of the Real TV Wisdom rules, being a statement in the first person, but as I'm already a little bit in love with this week's star baker Ruby (I'm not alone according to a quick google) I wanted to draw her and extol the wisdom of this statement, which ran deep with me. Succeeding, not in what you are EXPECTED to succeed in, or even what you are EXPECTED not to, not in what SOCIETY (I'm getting carried away with the caps today sorry) deems success, but in what you find most fun and fulfilling, that's the real icing on the cake isn't it? I could be Sue Perkins.

Raymond Blanc

Ah I love cookery television. I know that Pharrell and Mr Thicke have been trying to tell me this real wisdom all summer, but somehow when coming from such a respectable frenchman it carries more weight. Whether applied to the mixing of cordon bleu techniques, the vagaries of appropriate nudity, or the consideration of whether drawing television chefs is a good use of my time, so many lines are indeed blurred. 

And that is, indeed, life.